I believed her

rights

And as she looked at me, her eyes piercing right through my very soul; I felt it reverberate through my body. She said “he’s crazy girl…. he hates me, he’s fu**ing crazy” I believed her as she said those words. They reverberated through me touching something deep and unknown yet very familiar. I believed those words like I believed that everything dies; like I believed in love, life and everything dark. Just like I believed her dismissive laugh 2 seconds later and we talked of the upcoming year. We talked of cook outs, Wisconsin and how it was going to be her best year yet. Three and a half days later:in a private room at the emergency room in Silver Cross Hospital detectives told me “there’s been an incident, some people broke in to your sister’s home and she’s been shot. …”

detectives apologized to me as they said “there’s been an incident”…….

what if…..just a few moments sooner

subhanaAllah! we never know when could be our last day or moment!!!

Yesterday I think it was just the “excitement/shock” of it, but it didn’t really hit home.

As most of you know my husband installs phone, cable and internet service he was outside in Chicago yesterday and some young men were dropped off and were hanging out directly in front of where he was gathering the equipment. They moved around the corner and a car came through and started shooting at them in broad daylight with children, babies and families outside and everything!

There was some ppl with strollers hiding behind my husband’s work van. My husband, those babies and kids could have all been shot if it had not been that those young men had started crossing the street around the corner. I say this not for pity, or as something to talk about on fb for likes but as a very real eye-opening plea. This happens everyday in Chicago, thousands of families loose loved ones and not just “bad people”. It happens to the innocent 8 times out of ten. The siblings, the neighbors, the kids, the lady walking to the store….. PLEASE KEEP ALL THOSE PEOPLE IN YOUR DUAS (PRAYERS) It’s a very real daily occurrence. Please make dua for those in Chicago. The Politicians don’t care too much because it’s not happening at their homes, ranches, yachts, and mansions.

Please make dua(prayer) Allah (God) guides them and guides and keeps us on the straight path, forgives us and makes us do better

 

I wanted this post as more of an eye-opening plea to notice what is going on in Chicago and ourselves on a different level…..

Everyday we eat to survive, wear our seatbelts try to “be safe” but the reality is death can come at anytime. What will we leave behind? Will facebook help us? Our barely there prayers? Do we do the bare minimum? 

I’m TRULY honestly speaking of myself and in genuine fear and hope for all of you. How much Quraan do we try to learn/memorize/recite or understand? seriously forget even day to day can we just answer for ourselves (not to me on here) what do we try to fix, change, improve, memorize or do for kindness to others?

How much Manners do we display, teach, try to learn? How much REAL Islam do we teach our kids and families with lovely dispositions, explanations and live examples?

If I died on this day besides having to rely on Allah’s mercy- what goodness would I have, what legacy would I leave behind, what Islam, goodness, memories, or practices and good deeds would even aid me on that VERY REAL Judgement day?

My article

My article “In these Empty Arms” featured in this month’s Mariam Poppins magazine is also posted on her site.

” She sipped on her coffee, the sad-flat look in her eyes that now replaced the sparkle she once had–gone. Looking at me, she calmly and quietly asked “but when does it get easier?”

*sigh*
Shall I tell her you learn to laugh through the knot in your throat? Shall I tell her you learn to live again with this new you? Shall I tell her she’ll never again walk past certain aisles in stores and be the same? No, it sounds cynical, too hard to bear all that at once. I mean I remember the first year. *sigh* There is some benefit in this, I mean a lot of benefit really, but it still hurts. It can bring us closer to Allah. The All Merciful.
I put my food down and swallowed what I had, and gave her-what I’m sure, was a weak smile. We were in a public restaurant and a couple of muslimahs crying was all I needed to fuel more rumors of how miserable…… (Continue to Mariam Poppins

sorrow, joy, past experiences, happiness, coping, grieving-HUMAN Life

We spend so much time trying to be happy. Humans. We do, we really do. Yes, we ALL have those funks that we stay in for a while; but in reality cynicism is exhausting. Being bitter, harsh, sad, angry, and cynical will eat you alive more than the actual debilitating pain that causes you to feel and be this way.

At some point we will either cope through goodness, great people, friendships, maturity, or religion. Sometimes all of them. Sometimes one of them. Whatever works for you. Then, once there, we will strive SO HARD to be that “Better me.” Some of it will burn us out. Some of it will push us forward “todo pa’lante” and thrive. Some of us will become obsessed with this help, whatever it is pushing us forward, uplifting us; helping us in our sorrow. Many of us will fall somewhere in the middle with rises and dips in there.

I’m stuck currently in HUMAN. Human who happens to be woman, mom, Muslim, my past and all I’ve been through. Some days I’m a striving-to-improve Muslimah above everything else. Some days I barely get by, and a Hug from my child is all I can bare. Some days, some days even that is harder than I can take, harder than I can bare. Some days your legs over the side of the bed is the BIGGEST accomplishment you can envision yourself to take.

I’ve been very pensive lately. Life sure is a roller coaster ride. I reflect on the amazing qualities of the brain, at it’s amazing features all it can learn, take, how amazingly resilient and how terribly fragile it is. I think of depression, schizophrenia, Autism, Retts syndrome, Cancer, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and all the people whose minds and souls have been ravaged by life and who pretend to be ‘normal’ and get by.

Life is all over the place, like my thoughts.

I think of all the imperfect mistakes that shaped us. The experiences we never should have had which taught us. The dumb a** mistakes we make that can forever change our youth, you, our marriages, or our lives. We all have them. Some of us, wiser than others; have fewer mistakes or life learning errors. Some of us have many life experiences and learn the hard way.

Some of us have lost a pet, or a friend, some of us lost a family member– some of us have lost all of them, and a child or a parent. Some of us have lost all that and more, in a Hard way. Some of us have seen murder, cancer, war, psychosis, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, we’ve experienced a child fall asleep in our arms only to never wake up, a child dying in a fire, a sister murdered, a brother who couldn’t take it and ended it….some of us, some of us would have went through the feelings of that last one and somehow made it through. AlHamdulilah, AlHamdulilah through it all.

Reflecting on some things of my own, some things I’ve lived through, witnessed of my friends or of my family.

How hard can it be to be looked up to and admit you want to give up or mess up, or try something bad? I’m wondering how would someone admit that to another? How do you seek help before falling into that? Whatever that may be…

How does a family survive loosing their Captain? How does a mother cope with empty arms? How does a sister get through not being able to pick up the phone and call her sibling? How does a sinner return to their faith, their rope? How does a mother, hugging her child who is having a seizure stay in the moment with the heavy weight on her shoulders of just finding out she herself has a rare form of cancer out of nowhere and is already in a stage 2? How does a wife regain her husband’s love? How does a drug addict get over the urge to just slip one more time? How do we cope in this amazing, awful, happy, depressing, horrible, fun, disgusting, sick, hopeful world?

These are all rhetorical questions. I don’t really want answers. I’m just using my blog as a diary of sorts so to speak. I know how I cope, most days anyhow. AlHamdulilah for Islam, the internet and some confidants, companions, my musings and the internet. That’s mine, my safety net, my “happy pill” so to speak. Sometimes. Sometimes it’s just another thing that I “fail at”. Sometimes. Sometimes I’m just a shell. and sometimes that’s okay.

Shout out to all my shells. To my struggling to get by people. Shout out to the grieving, to the recovering, shout out to the muslims striving, Shout out to the hurt, the attacked, the defeated and then to those who have slacked and slipped up and relapsed. The ONLY way to go from the bottom is up. Rejoice, rejoice that you can be an example of starting over. No matter what it is. How hard it may be, how utterly life shattering it is or was you CAN be you. Be you in this awesome life. Be you. Relish those things that made you who you are and keep on keepin on.