I believed her


And as she looked at me, her eyes piercing right through my very soul; I felt it reverberate through my body. She said “he’s crazy girl…. he hates me, he’s fu**ing crazy” I believed her as she said those words. They reverberated through me touching something deep and unknown yet very familiar. I believed those words like I believed that everything dies; like I believed in love, life and everything dark. Just like I believed her dismissive laugh 2 seconds later and we talked of the upcoming year. We talked of cook outs, Wisconsin and how it was going to be her best year yet. Three and a half days later:in a private room at the emergency room in Silver Cross Hospital detectives told me “there’s been an incident, some people broke in to your sister’s home and she’s been shot. …”

detectives apologized to me as they said “there’s been an incident”…….

Priorities and “Falling apart” when we NEED to keep it together Part 3

For Part two click here

Asalaamu Alaikum waramatluahi wabrakatahu (May the peace, the mercy, and the blessings of Allah (God) be upon you).

Buenos Días (good morning or good day) y’all! =)

In sha Allah all is well WONDERFUL LADIES.

AlHamdulilah  all is well around here  and I’m even extra happy to get a message saying you are reading and enjoying the blog. Sometimes I wonder if I’m talking to myself and it’s good to get feedback. I’m grateful that you are able to relate and find benefit here.




In continuing with the series, which really could go one forever, we shall tackle self-improvement and peace with ourselves.


  • Self-examination
  • Gratitude
  • Creativity
  • Commitment


Okay, I know those are some big words but have no fear in implementing and trying to strive for the tips in post one and two. These can easily be added to our goals as well. I know I have repeatedly told you all to be kind to yourselves, to be patient, consistent and forgive yourself for lack of perfection however that doesn’t mean I am calling us to stay unmotivated, and unfulfilled.


Bring yourself to account before you are taken to account (on the Day of Judgement),” and, “Weigh your deeds before your deeds are weighed.” (“Hasibu anfusakum qabla antuhasabu, wazinu anfusakum qabla antuzanu.”) – Umar ibn al-Khattab

This is most recently, one of my favorite reminders ma shaa Allah. Who else can be a better critic of us than ourselves? Who can tell me what I need to do and when better than me? I’ve recently been more contemplative of this and trying to add more productivity to my own life. However, it doesn’t need to be a burden and can actually be quite interesting or even fulfilling.

As the quote says “I’m in this for life, not a life sentence” Author unknown

Sit down and get yourself a notebook or diary, in it write down what Good you found in your day, from the most innocent, trivial thing to the most important. Write down your school or work accomplishments or your homeschooling accomplishments. Write down what good eeman boosting or Islamic things you did and what you strive for tomorrow. This will be private so be as brutally honest while kind with yourself as possible and strive for improvement.

Not only is this great for goal setting, feeling accomplished and encouraging for us- it’s also something that was practiced by the salaf (predecessors) of our Ummah. Many of the sahaaba would make up the account for themselves at the end of each day, repenting for the wrong they did and determining to do better the next day. So you’ll be seeing all you do, get the reward of that, revive a sunnah 🙂 and goal set ma sha Allah

Hasan al-Basri (rahimahullaah) said, “You will never meet a believer except that he brings himself to account.”

This I find extremely helpful because it’s useful in boosting my mood (When I see all I truly do instead of feeling like a failure)

This helps me improve my self in character, spirituality, self-improvement and all things. It’s helpful to see everything on paper.


*Gratitude- When you aren’t used to always being grateful or if you live in an argumentative environment be it home, work, school, etc it’s hard to know where to begin doing this. I mean, sure we’re grateful, right? I mean we say thank you to people for ALL they do for us, we thank Our Lord non-stop for all of our blessings…. or we try to anyhow.

Imagine walking with no hands, no vision, no legs. Some people have these pebbles in their road yet are more grateful than us! SubhanAllah May Allah guide and forgive us Aameen

“My sin burdened me heavily. But when I measured it against Your Grace, O Lord, Your forgiveness came out greater.” – Imam Shafii

There are literally countless things to be grateful for. From the most trivial, like a good drive somewhere to the best Guidance in sha Allah. There can be thousands of things in between those two that we alone know best which blessings move us the most.

And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.’ [Quran, 14:7]

From a great nights rest to a child homeschooling with us, obedient children, a loving mom, a patient husband, eye-sight the list is endless alHamdulilah  Sit down, write at least 10 things down that you’re grateful for at the beginning of your day and watch yourself have a brighter, happier, peaceful day in shaa Allah .

Gratitude is one of the best and quickest ways to regain our focus. Many times when we feel stuck it means we’re giving too much attention to things that stress us and aren’t showing gratitude to the stuff we can do and we have. Remember we are by default going to have anxiety about certain situations. That’s okay but still try to keep in  mind gratitude.

Indeed, mankind was created anxious: When evil touches him, impatient, And when good touches him, withholding [of it]. [Surat Al–Ma’arij: 70:19-21]

If you’re anything like me, now you’re feeling a bit neglectful. Like perhaps we are very grateful- but we’re realizing we could have been so much more. Don’t despair.

O son of Adam, as long as you call upon Me and put your hope in Me, I have forgiven you for what you have done and I do not mind. O son of Adam, if your sins were to reach the clouds of the sky and then you would seek My forgiveness, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, if you were to come to Me with sins that are close to filling the earth and then you would meet Me without ascribing any partners with Me, I would certainly bring to you forgiveness close to filling it. [Hadithi Qudsi]


* Creativity

I remember once reading a book (I think) and there was a quote that stood out to me so I wrote it down. It was a way to give myself forgiveness for not being touched by the “creative/feminine/decorative” gene. I really don’t have it y’all, Not a drop! It takes lots of reading books, and google with Pinterest to come up with ideas in homeschooling. Anyhow the quote also made me remember how when I’m inspired to actually write a post or do something I’m usually busy at that exact moment. The quote said ” Creativity is not designed for fitting into a mother’s busy day nor is it convenient”  I’m sure there was more to it but it looks like I trailed off in my notebook (ADHD rears its ugly little head) But yes, I know I just said to call ourselves to account however this doesn’t mean when and if you find inspiration to write, paint, knit, sew, etc you just ignore it. Being a woman, a whole person it’s okay to do enjoyable things in life as well. We can’t be rules and rigidity all the time.


* Commitment –

Be committed to yourself above everything! You alone will feel the joys of accomplishing all of these life changes we have discussed in the last few posts. However, the beauty of self-improvement is it usually makes us a better person which enhances everyone’s life around us which in turn comes back to enhance our lives ma sha Allah alHamdulilah. When we take steps to be content our mood improves and we’re kinder to others and a joy to be around. When we de-clutter our minds and our homes we are more productive, thus less stressed and not overwhelmed ma sha Allah

When we clean, re-organize and smile while trying to be a good example not only do we feel better but we become better and it can be a means of attaining good ma sha Allah. Remember Abu Huraira quoted Prophet Muhammad as saying: “Removing a harmful thing from the way is also Sadaqah”.

I hope this series has been helpful to you =)


Priorities and “Falling apart” when we NEED to keep it together Part 2

Part ONE-Click HERE


Asalaamu Alaikum waramatluahi wabrakatahu (May the peace, the mercy, and the blessings of Allah (God) be upon you).

Yes I know, I’ve been “away” for a while. I was supposed to be writing how to stay productive and I couldn’t write about something I wasn’t doing.

After the deep freeze of which we are still in by the way. The move, brrr I DON’T Ever want to move in Winter again! Add unpacking, homeschool and part-time work I just couldn’t post. That and I’ve always been bad about being consistent with blogging so that’s me. Besides, I figure real life, home, people and homeschooling is more of a priority than the net.

Anyhow things have FINALLY settled, my place looks more like a home (yay!) and I finally petitioned Facebook to start looking into why my homeschooling Muslimah Mommies page isn’t showing up.

get up

I figured now that I have more time I could finish this blog series on prioritizing, de-cluttering and adding structure our lives and time in sha Allah (God Willing). For part One Click here

On to ways to keep or get the ball rolling on being a better, happier you, here are other things I learned, had to do, try and fail before trying again.

* Confidence

* Relaxation

* Perfectionism

First things first Don’t forget to be nice to YOU!

The Merciful One shows mercy to those who are themselves merciful (to others). So show mercy to whatever is on earth, then He who is in heaven will show mercy to you.” (Abu Dawud, Tirmidhi)

* Perfectionism

So you’ve been reading these and now instead of falling apart you’re obsessed with cleaning, learning, cooking, etc etc….(I’m not, but you may be ;p I don’t have that in my DNA)

We’re sure everything we’re doing can be better or might even all be wrong! How, how on earth can we get out of this mentality? We are responsible for our homes, children and all and what a blessing it is ma shaa Allah!

Ibn Umar RA said that Rasulullah saw said: “Each of you is a guardian, and each of you will be asked about your guardianship. The leader is a guardian, and the man is a guardian over the people of his house, and the woman is a guardian over her husband’s house and children. So each of you is a guardian, and each of you will be asked about your guardianship.” (Bukhari, Muslim)

But how do we avoid falling into the magazine-like home keeper in which no one can make a mess? Or how do we keep our-self from assuming we have to be that way?

Remember to tell yourself “I am a good woman/person/daughter/wife/mother, I will NEVER be a perfect one”

“I asked Allah’s Messenger ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) which deed was best.” He (the Holy Prophet) replied: “The prayer at its appointed hour”. [Sahih Muslim]

Now I’m not calling us to continue our lazy ways nor to be content without goals but it’s okay to know we’ll never be perfect. We fret so much at times thinking everything we’re doing is wrong. We’re so insecure that everything we do as a woman is bad or reflecting on other women, Muslims, daughters or our kids. We’re totally neurotic at times about this so-called perfection we seek. We are Human beings, we are NOT perfect!

“In the sight of Allah, only piety puts a person above another”

The Prophet ṣallallāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) used to seek refuge in Allah subḥānahu wa ta’āla (glorified and exalted be He) from laziness that he used to mention it daily in this dua: “O Allah, I take refuge in You from anxiety and sorrow, weakness and laziness, miserliness and cowardice, the burden of debts and from being overpowered by men.” [Sahih Bukhari]

*Confidence– Be confident in yourself ladies! No, not arrogant not “look good” I mean confidence in your capabilities and that your Lord made the best you that you can be. Now arrogance is NOT from Islam and the believers are called to be slaves of their Lord and Humble.
Comprehending ones’ intelligence, looks, abilities, potentials, and building on the existing capabilities in the attempt to satisfy one’s desires and attain to the true human identity. This is in no way in conflict with the order to trust in Allah and be humble. After all, as the quote goes, “You are on a rock floating in space!” SubhanAllah …..it’s so deep, when you zoom out looking at images of the Universe you see even the Earth becomes smaller and smaller in our amazing Creators fashioned decree until it’s a speck, we are a speck on a speck….but I digress….subhanAllah It’s awe-inspiring to me.

Anyhow, There are several things that contribute to the positive conception of self-confidence. The first is to LOVE YOURSELF and be kind to you. Also comprehending oneself, one’s capabilities, strengths and weaknesses, duties, and material and spiritual assets. What is the most effective plan for using these assets? These are all points and questions that stem from the two key religious concepts: self-knowledge and recognizing one’s God-given blessings and appropriately exploiting them. Remember to implement the tips, ideas, and advice from post one and this one to help you boost your confidence. After numerous and painful tries you’ll learn to clean as you cook, do laundry before it piles up, read those 2 Arabic letters and you’ll start feeling a smile creep up on your face, that, that right there is what you use as your fuel to keep going and build your confidence in knowing you are in control of certain areas of your life and can change some things 🙂

* Relaxation– Say it with me, no, for real say it aloud and mean it. “When I take time to rest, I am not wasting time. I am enjoying it.” Now repeat. Yes, I know, there is only so much time in a day and caring for our duties, be they work, the home, school, religion, family or children take up most of it. Too often we use our free time to do household chores, homework, work (even worse!) This is NOT rest! In the quest for our self-improvement, we must not get too hung up on perfection or trying so hard to be better that it makes us grumpier. It’s unrealistic to expect to be at our very best every single day. Remember not to blame yourself when you have days that are less than your best. There are days at work/home/parenting/homeschooling that flow as naturally as laughter and you feel comfort, love, ease, and comfort in knowing that you know and enjoy what you’re doing. these days nothing interferes with that feeling Even these days we deserve a little break but much more so on the days we question our roles. Days Where we wonder why to bother and feel so hormonal or overwhelmed, we REALLY deserve a break on those days the most!

By allowing yourself relaxation time, some quiet time to make enjoy nothing, make dua, pick up your favorite hobby or just re-group you’re improving the quality of time you give to other people.

Aisha reported: The Prophet, peace, and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, gentleness is not in anything except that it beautifies it, and it is not removed from anything except that it disgraces it.”

Source: Sahih Muslim 2594

Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Imam Muslim

Priorities and “Falling apart” when we NEED to keep it together Part 1

Asalaamu Alaikum waramatluahi wabrakatahu (May the peace, the mercy, and the blessings of Allah (God) be upon you).

whooo! Aren’t you tired?!?
You’re tired, you’re ALWAYS tired. Yet here you are, scrolling. You’re possibly imagining I, and other moms on the blogosphere are perfect, well-rested, got everything together and are crafty, smart and imaginative, NOT TRUE! Well, at least not in my case or half of the “real” women in my life who admit doing deep cleaning only before others come over and posting their nicest, most productive work. So, perhaps, there are ma shaa Allah some nifty, creative, beautiful well-organized women out there ma shaa Allah and may Allah allow us to be a lot more that way Aaamen but for transparency purposes, I’m not going to pretend I’m the one to look up to. I’m not. I just wanted to give you some tips, advice and a “meditation” if you will.

There are a few things I had to learn to attempt stability, organization, peace, and productivity so I wanted to share them with you all here:

*Nurturing Oneself


* Self-Affirmation



and many, many more but since I know many of you are overwhelmed we’re only going to tackle these for now in shaa Allah (God Willing) besides, I’ll let you in on a little secret; I’m overwhelmed myself. I’m in the middle of packing (which really means I don’t know where to start) since we’re moving about 40 miles away at the end of the month so I’m going to make this at least a two-part series, which honestly might be more since after moving we’ll have to get settled in.

*Nurturing oneself– I know, I know we “get ready” and take care of ourselves, heck we’re the ones who are independent, strong and keeping everything running (Give yourself a Tap on the back You REALLY are doing a lot!) but no matter how strong you are, you still need nurturing. When we start to feel like we want to trade places with our baby, child or husband it’s time to start to pamper us a bit. You’re probably thinking you don’t have time, money, ideas or desires to care to pamper yourself, you do. Just like your clothing is a beautification a protection from us the womb is for a baby and our spouses for ourselves we can use our home as a little pampering station, cocoon of sorts, a womb. Let’s make this place serve us. While the children are sleeping or outside with dad/sister/mother/neighbor etc we can give ourselves a homemade pedicure, scrub those feet and make them soft and new. We can make a special coffee or tea treat with a cookie and enjoy a few moments of silence. We give and we give and we give and this is extremely taxing on us.

Sa’d ibn Abi Waqqas reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace, and blessings be upon him, said, “Four things are part of happiness: a righteous spouse, a spacious dwelling, a righteous neighbor, and a comfortable mount. Four things are part of misery: a bad neighbor, a bad spouse, a restrictive dwelling, and a bad mount.”

*Simplifying– Gift extra items, sell stuff on e-bay or repurpose the items you aren’t using. Honestly, we don’t NEED those items we haven’t used in a year and we shouldn’t have so many garments that we have to push the clothing out the way to pull stuff out and view it. Make pillows, curtains, bags or sell, gift and donate these things. As for clutter or messy homes in which you don’t know where to begin, start slow. Pick one corner, one shelf or one “Space” and beautify it. Don’t overwhelm yourself with the whole home, you’ll just overwhelm yourself more. Pick one area a day do that space. Clean the wall spot in that space, de-clutter it, make it pretty. Look at your accomplishment, smile and pat yourself on a job well done. Repeat this every day or twice a day until your whole place looks and feels better. Sometimes nurturing you means creating a place or space where you can be alone and responsible only for you. A reading nook, a writing corner, an Arabic learning station, a craft area, a prayer corner, knitting station, etc

Always remember to ask Allah to help you feel less stress, the days you are peace, not stressed, happy or calm remember Allah. Ask Allah for His aid continuously as you work Hard on trying to train yourself to strive for doing these things.

Abu Ya ‘la Dailami and Ibn Asakir narrated: Abu Hurairah and Anas Ibn Malik said: Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said: “Allah loves rescuing the one who needs rescue.”

Ibn Abbas reported: I was riding with the Messenger of Allah, peace, and blessings be upon him, and he said:

يَا غُلَامُ إِنِّي أُعَلِّمُكَ كَلِمَاتٍ احْفَظْ اللَّهَ يَحْفَظْكَ احْفَظْ اللَّهَ تَجِدْهُ تُجَاهَكَ إِذَا سَأَلْتَ فَاسْأَلْ اللَّهَ وَإِذَا اسْتَعَنْتَ فَاسْتَعِنْ بِاللَّهِ وَاعْلَمْ أَنَّ الْأُمَّةَ لَوْ اجْتَمَعَتْ عَلَى أَنْ يَنْفَعُوكَ بِشَيْءٍ لَمْ يَنْفَعُوكَ إِلَّا بِشَيْءٍ قَدْ كَتَبَهُ اللَّهُ لَكَ وَلَوْ اجْتَمَعُوا عَلَى أَنْ يَضُرُّوكَ بِشَيْءٍ لَمْ يَضُرُّوكَ إِلَّا بِشَيْءٍ قَدْ كَتَبَهُ اللَّهُ عَلَيْكَ رُفِعَتْ الْأَقْلَامُ وَجَفَّتْ الصُّحُفُ

O young man, I will teach you some words. Be mindful of Allah and He will protect you. Be mindful of Allah and you will find Him before you. If you ask, ask from Allah. If you seek help, seek help from Allah. Know that if the nations gathered together to help you, they cannot benefit you unless Allah has written it for you, and if the nations gathered together to harm you, they cannot harm you unless Allah has written it for you. The pens have been lifted and the pages dry.

Source: Sunan At-Tirmidhi 2516, Grade: Sahih

* Self-Affirmation– Admit it, we’ve all had days (I’ve had whole years like this!)when we are so thoroughly exhausted we almost forget we as a person exist. We look at how we feel and in turn, feel how we look. Clothes don’t fit how we want or PJs are so comfy we wear them too much then look at ourselves all disheveled, tired and overwhelmed. We get into feeling numb and robotic almost disconnected from others or the world in general. We stare at things trying to learn by osmosis (Arabic for me) and get nothing, nothing gets absorbed. You’re too tired to sleep and too sleep-deprived to function and get things done. AlHamdulilah (Thank God through it all) our heart doesn’t stop beating even if our brain feels like it’s trying to run through the mud! Enjoy the consistency of your heartbeat and take your cue from it, slow and steady wins the race. Do consistent, even if small things and you’ll get through it.
A’isha said that Rasulullah saw said: “The deeds most loved by Allah (are those) done regularly, even if they are small.” (Bukhari, Muslim)

Be kind to yourself, don’t beat yourself up for not being perfect.

Abu Ya ‘la Dailami and Ibn Asakir narrated: Abu Hurairah and Anas Ibn Malik said: Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said: “Allah loves rescuing the one who needs rescue.”

* Priorities

ah this is the medicine I need most myself. NO, the Smart Phone is NOT the first thing we should grab after waking up. OUCH, phones, computers, tablets tv s etc these should be sometimes things yet are the ones that KILL all our time sadly. These are sometimes things or should be used either as a reward after everything is done OR used as tools. Yes there are many things that can aid us in our homeschooling, learning, Islam etc but are we not distracted by the OTHER stuff we do with them? I was. Facebook, candy crush etc etc start doing the biggest tasks after your morning prayer, quiet time. Tackle the things that drain you or need your brain more in the morning and feel less stressed while blogging, Facebooking etc.

Another thing, change your voicemail on your phone- Leave a message stating you are busy with family, studying, homeschooling, or work and pick a time you aren’t busy with yourself, your home, studies or others to text or call others back. WHY, why, why do we feel the need to allow something that was supposed to be for convenience to interrupt us?!? Why do we feel we have to stop everything and answer the phone when it rings or a notification goes off? Will the person calling about nothing homeschool for you? Most likely not. Necessity dictates we start recognizing our limitations. I’m not saying don’t WhatsApp, text, or use your phone. I still do but I no longer allow it to stop what I’m doing. Being a woman means we have to put ourselves first so we can put our home, spouse or children first.

In sha Allah these tips can be helpful for you ♥ remember to take it easy on yourself

To Be Continued……..


On trying to be better, do more, and have more

Sipping on my coffee the other afternoon it hit me. Peace. Calm and peace. SIGH. I found it! On any given day, I can think of many ways I might be a better Homeschooling parent to my daughter. It occurs to me that she isn’t 3 school years ahead, speak 5 languages, or well off like many other homeschooled. She isn’t on a spelling bee and we aren’t “Radical” or a number of other stereotypes homeschooled families have. We don’t have a “classroom”. I don’t own a yacht, a ranch, nor do I “stay home” baking day in and day out in the lap of luxury. We have AlHamdulilah, what we need and an amazing group of people on this ride we call life, but these stereotypes not so much.

I could go on and on. Some of these, I would love to have. Some, well some things we don’t do or have aren’t necessary. It’s very easy to become over-burdened, over-scheduled, and frazzled. It’s easy to look at 2 or 3 pictures on someone’s amazing blog and assume we have to have, need to buy, must get, or don’t have stuff. However, the other night while giggling during math review (who even knew THAT was enjoyable!?) on our dry-erase board I realized I have given her love, attention, an education even I was enjoying to get while teaching her! I noticed once I stayed home a bit more, that life slowed down. It was in the silence, in the stillness of having laundry to wash, dishes to clean that the blessings of what some may refer to as “redundancy” hit me. So many all over the world are suffering through unrest, poverty, oppression, hunger, drought, earthquakes, famine, depression, flooding, and horrid war-like zones, oppression and tyrany.

This post isn’t meant to guilt-trip us into a false sense of happiness and rainbows, no. It isn’t even to depress us. It’s just a gentle internet reminder that I’m there with you. Yes, I know the fear and doubts that creep in our heads. We all second guess what we do or don’t do with our children. There is always something that can, and yes; should be improved on and changed. However, we should also learn to enjoy the stillness of the moments. The warmth of a neck hug. The blessings of a giggling, tear inducing laughter from being silly with our children. This could NEVER come from any curriculum, program, classroom, textbook, chalkboard or buy. That moment….that moment can’t be captured by a photograph, an audio clip nor a blog. It must be lived. Go live =)

sorrow, joy, past experiences, happiness, coping, grieving-HUMAN Life

We spend so much time trying to be happy. Humans. We do, we really do. Yes, we ALL have those funks that we stay in for a while; but in reality cynicism is exhausting. Being bitter, harsh, sad, angry, and cynical will eat you alive more than the actual debilitating pain that causes you to feel and be this way.

At some point we will either cope through goodness, great people, friendships, maturity, or religion. Sometimes all of them. Sometimes one of them. Whatever works for you. Then, once there, we will strive SO HARD to be that “Better me.” Some of it will burn us out. Some of it will push us forward “todo pa’lante” and thrive. Some of us will become obsessed with this help, whatever it is pushing us forward, uplifting us; helping us in our sorrow. Many of us will fall somewhere in the middle with rises and dips in there.

I’m stuck currently in HUMAN. Human who happens to be woman, mom, Muslim, my past and all I’ve been through. Some days I’m a striving-to-improve Muslimah above everything else. Some days I barely get by, and a Hug from my child is all I can bare. Some days, some days even that is harder than I can take, harder than I can bare. Some days your legs over the side of the bed is the BIGGEST accomplishment you can envision yourself to take.

I’ve been very pensive lately. Life sure is a roller coaster ride. I reflect on the amazing qualities of the brain, at it’s amazing features all it can learn, take, how amazingly resilient and how terribly fragile it is. I think of depression, schizophrenia, Autism, Retts syndrome, Cancer, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and all the people whose minds and souls have been ravaged by life and who pretend to be ‘normal’ and get by.

Life is all over the place, like my thoughts.

I think of all the imperfect mistakes that shaped us. The experiences we never should have had which taught us. The dumb a** mistakes we make that can forever change our youth, you, our marriages, or our lives. We all have them. Some of us, wiser than others; have fewer mistakes or life learning errors. Some of us have many life experiences and learn the hard way.

Some of us have lost a pet, or a friend, some of us lost a family member– some of us have lost all of them, and a child or a parent. Some of us have lost all that and more, in a Hard way. Some of us have seen murder, cancer, war, psychosis, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, we’ve experienced a child fall asleep in our arms only to never wake up, a child dying in a fire, a sister murdered, a brother who couldn’t take it and ended it….some of us, some of us would have went through the feelings of that last one and somehow made it through. AlHamdulilah, AlHamdulilah through it all.

Reflecting on some things of my own, some things I’ve lived through, witnessed of my friends or of my family.

How hard can it be to be looked up to and admit you want to give up or mess up, or try something bad? I’m wondering how would someone admit that to another? How do you seek help before falling into that? Whatever that may be…

How does a family survive loosing their Captain? How does a mother cope with empty arms? How does a sister get through not being able to pick up the phone and call her sibling? How does a sinner return to their faith, their rope? How does a mother, hugging her child who is having a seizure stay in the moment with the heavy weight on her shoulders of just finding out she herself has a rare form of cancer out of nowhere and is already in a stage 2? How does a wife regain her husband’s love? How does a drug addict get over the urge to just slip one more time? How do we cope in this amazing, awful, happy, depressing, horrible, fun, disgusting, sick, hopeful world?

These are all rhetorical questions. I don’t really want answers. I’m just using my blog as a diary of sorts so to speak. I know how I cope, most days anyhow. AlHamdulilah for Islam, the internet and some confidants, companions, my musings and the internet. That’s mine, my safety net, my “happy pill” so to speak. Sometimes. Sometimes it’s just another thing that I “fail at”. Sometimes. Sometimes I’m just a shell. and sometimes that’s okay.

Shout out to all my shells. To my struggling to get by people. Shout out to the grieving, to the recovering, shout out to the muslims striving, Shout out to the hurt, the attacked, the defeated and then to those who have slacked and slipped up and relapsed. The ONLY way to go from the bottom is up. Rejoice, rejoice that you can be an example of starting over. No matter what it is. How hard it may be, how utterly life shattering it is or was you CAN be you. Be you in this awesome life. Be you. Relish those things that made you who you are and keep on keepin on.

Weather and gratitude AlHamdulilah (just a “Personal” reflection)

As I sit here listening to some recordings…. I have many thoughts going through my head. The rain came hard and fast earlier and left flash floods and a 20 degree temperature drop Alhamdulillah. Now the night is still and quiet with silent lightening flashing every now and again and big fat clouds moving about overhead. Creation is so wonderful SubhanAllah.

I don’t know why it is I feel so at peace in weather that most people find annoying, disturbing, “not nice, or “blah.” I find it comforting. One could speculate that it has to do with gratitude, gratitude for the chance of making dua (prayers) gratitude for rain when so many suffer from drought right now. One could speculate many things.The truth is I’ve always loved this weather even before acknowledgement of gratitude or even before Islam. I still don’t know why I feel “at peace” in this weather. “They” used to say that some people aren’t content unless they’re in some sort of turmoil. This isn’t really me, I can be confrontational but I don’t enjoy living in disarray or confrontation. Therefore that can’t be it. Maybe it’s because ever since I was conceived possibly, I’ve known “storms?” Maybe it’s because it’s so easy to sleep and relax in this weather? Maybe it’s because I’ve loved the ultimate love and the ultimate loss??? The fast hard rains at times remind me of that fast hard cries…..*shakes off those thoughts * AlHamdulillah I’ve lost much, OH SO very much but I’ve also gained so much in this life.

I’ve gained peace through knowledge that there is better (in the full meaning, all the way around). I’ve gained Islam by Allah’s permission. I’ve gained a way to live, change, learn, grow, hope, pray, live and be. Even though I’m still relatively new (3 and a half years almost) to this I’ve learned So Much and I’m amazed at how little I actually know. I truly enjoy knowing God would NEVER punish a child for dying because of “original sin.” I take refuge in Allah’s words and His promises when the grief and sorrow starts to sting stronger. I look at the world around me and all I know, have been through and seen or know of and I know the Islamic legislation’s are sent down indeed for a reason.

I’ve been blessed with so many venues to learn from family, society, Sisterhood, websites, life, the net, my children, death, sorrow, love, loss, marriage, divorce, zakat, friendship, nikkah (Islamic marriage) and being married to a Practicing muslim man AlHamdulillah and in being a homeschooling Muslimah Latina American Mom. I never thought I’d see the day where I’d be grateful for some of those aforementioned words (experiences)
Those words could NEVER convey all the emotion, turmoils, joy, sorrow, pain, growing simply written or spoken (especially in English) The fact of the matter is unless we live through them and Allah blesses us with some understanding they could never be conveyed to anyone who hasn’t seen being a parent and loosing their child. Islam and belief could never FULLY  (at least to me, it could be different for others) appreciate, love and embrace Islaam. Even as I sit here and type I’m half smiling with a knot in my throat. may Allah protect and guide us all, may He the All Merciful fill our hearts with joy, HAMD, love, shukr, and peace. May He forgive us and guide us and may He heal our broken hearts and guide our loved ones ameen!!!

tragedy, sadness,losses, sorrows and “moving on”

Some sorrows, life experiences, tragedies, losses, or sequence of events can follow us for an entire lifetime…and that’s okay. As long as people understand much like a shadow on a warm, sunny day in your contentment, joy, peace and even stress-that experience, that pain; it’s always right there under the surface.

Some losses wound so deeply that others think you “look” just “fine” when it’s almost as if you should be missing at least 2 or 3 limbs so they can almost TRY to comprehend the significant impact of the loss you had.

Our pain is what makes us grow and makes us better, seek better, strive to be better, seek Him, The Most High for some relief. The problem with “getting better” is often times we have to “break” first.

Much like a hard workout breaks, literally shreds; your muscles apart. The next day you’re weak, wobbly and incapable of crawling out of bed correctly….these are what some losses are like…intensified.

However, if you keep on “working out” through the pain the muscles rebuild themselves, bigger stronger. No one says these muscles won’t ever tear, hurt, be sore or weak again but it’s going to take a whole lot more. A whole lot more! Now you have BIGGER, better, stronger muscles……Be like that muscle…..it’s okay to break, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to literally burst down just make sure to not aid yourself in your self destruction. Think of the caterpillar….it eats so much it literally BREAKS…..but out of that seemingly destruction of “bursting” emerges a much more beautiful creature who literally has the ability to just fly away

……~Holly Garza

Sorrow-inspiration-hope part 1

For all my girls “going through it”. For everyone struggling, hurting, sad, angry, depressed, hurt, betrayed, lost, and full of sorrow, I dedicate this to you.
Life is a series of attacks it seems at times and the questions in our head can get quite loud…..

“Why me, WHY? Who do they (she/he) think they are? What am I going to do? Why doesn’t anybody care? Why do I even care? Why is my life so messed up? Why does everyone else have it easy and not me? Why is everyone else’s marriage great? (not true, we all have struggles somewhere) Why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t I just be rich so some of this would go away? Why did I have to find out? Why am I alone? Why would he do that? Why can’t i be good enough? Why don’t I know more, practice better? Why do I feel so stuck? Why, WHY, WHY?!

Sometimes, the word WHY alone is a painful word, a sorrowful word and to me even a hated word.

The Messenger of Allah (sws) said, “Remember Allah during times of ease and He will remember you during times of difficulty.” (Tirmidhi)

And We have certainly honored the children of Adam and carried them on the land and sea and provided for them of the good things and preferred them over much of what We have created, with [definite] preference.” – Quran, 17:70

Some days we don’t feel that way I bet you’re thinking, but imagine if Allah and our faith in Islam wasn’t there?! Imagine how much lonelier we’d be, how Lost!

“And if there should come to you guidance from Me – then whoever follows My guidance will neither go astray [in the world] nor suffer [in the Hereafter].”

Sometimes things get so tough for us that we almost feel as if maybe God (Allah) left us over some sin we may have done, I’ve been there…. we assume because things seem to keep going “one thing into another” that Allah has abandoned us, but I swear to you abandoning the Only One who could Possibly get you through this, abandoning our Faith will only increase our loneliness and sorrow.

We’re not perfect and no one guarantees we ever will be. The Prophets and great people of this world have suffered immense sorrows yet they were the ones that Allah helped most. The stories of what happened to all the prophets scream out to us the injustice, sorrows, and trials they went through. From ridicule, hunger, and torture to loosing their children, not having children, loosing all they had and being murdered. There are MANY examples in the Qur’an of events that happened to them as well. We know the story of Yusef and how he suffered. We know how sometimes we plan and things don’t go our way (The mother of Maryam-mother of Isa(Jesus) she planned to have a son and had a girl) Yet look, Allah knew and she didn’t, Sometimes things are for the better we just don’t know!

We hurt ourselves, we think about what people will say, think or do. We ponder over what is distressing us, some of us May Allah guide and forgive us, stare at pictures or even listen to Music which further alters our mood and sinks us in to a deeper despair. I ask this though, If you know someone HATES you and would LOVE to hurt you, would you hang out with them, trust them, listen to them and/or allow them to hurt you? NO- right? Well, we do every Single day. The shaitan promised to be our enemy and yet we turn to his despair instead of Allah’s Mercy. We turn to Shaitan’s worries, music, thoughts, sorrow, and whispers instead of to Allah’s relief, Mercy and Hope.

Some of us may fall into thinking what’s the point/ I try to be a better muslim/wife/mother/employee etc but I keep failing, why even bother? Well we wash our dishes but they’re going to get dirty aren’t they? We make our beds even though they’ll just be slept in, we shower even though I guarantee you we WILL need to shower again. This doesn’t mean that a person who is Depressed can just “snap out of it” but it DOES mean a lot of times we aid our sadness and make it bigger.

I remember a LONG time ago I was watching a movie called Shawshank Redemption and in it they said “Get busy living or get busy dying”….how true that is! Some of us merely exist in helping the Shaitan hurt our OWNSELVES! I’ve been there, I’ve done it.

This doesn’t mean we can’t feel sorrow, this doesn’t mean, like most muslims say “Be patient” that we’re ungrateful. It’s perfectly normal to feel some sadness or sorrow over stuff in this world. The trick is not to put ourselves in it deeper or be the cause of our issues. Allah will not change the condition of a person until first they change themselves.

“And whoever is conscious of Allah, He will make for him a way out (from every difficulty). And He will provide for him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Indeed Allah has sent a measure for all things.” (Quran: 65/2-3)

Consider the person is unemployed and suffering some hardships…..I can be unemployed and believe in Allah but until I get up early and search every single day, early in the morning dressed and speaking for success I will not find employment “trust in Allah but tie your camel”.

If someone is a drunk and yet HATES being sick, hungover, in pain, unhealthy and unemployed yet they keep drinking Allah will NOT rectify their condition.

If a woman keeps calling the police on her abusive “Man” yet she stays with him it will be extremely difficult for her to find peace, a way out and a solution (this is NOT easy for them there is a LOT more to these situations and they need compassion, REAL solutions, help, hope and true desire to leave and change their situation) For REAL solutions, an insight into what it’s like and helpful tips look at this post I wrote on Domestic Violence, escaping it, and an insight to women’s trials in this position. Click here ~> Domestic Violence: A Guide to escaping Abusive Relationships.

If someone wants to be a better muslim but constantly ignores the Qur’an it’ll be hard to try to change that.
We must change ourselves many times before our situation will change. Now, of course, in difficult situations it’s not that easy! Start small, start with hope, start with prayer, start with one small consistent change. I recommend reading the stories of Yussef and his father and their trials. If you’re not a BIG reader, start small, read ten minutes. That’s nothing, it’s looking at your phone 3 times or opening the refrigerator…you’ll loose nothing and gain much InshaAllah. After that look up a lecture, video, mp3, podcast or audio on the subject and listen to it and reflect as you clean, sit, browse the net or just relax.

There are some small things we can do to slightly alter our mood, we can get up and go for a walk, do some jumping jacks, read a book, take a shower. STOP what your doing if your really down-change your scene! Stop the self hurting, our minds at times attack us and we can’t help it but sitting around moping makes us feel worse and hurting ourselves isn’t going to fix it. Some things, no matter how hopeful, religious, or busy we are just can’t be avoided, they sting, they hurt, they cause anger, despair, sorrow and depression. You can’t fix everything over night with a shower, some praying and hope, some things have to “run their course” so to speak. Going through a tragedy or sometimes a loss of a certain relationship can be painful and stop us in our tracks. Take a moment, breathe, feel the sorrow but don’t aid the sorrow in making yourself feel worse. I love you for the sake of Allah and ask that you please forgive me for any hurtful comments that may have been taken the wrong way in this post. I HATE telling people how and what to feel and my intention was provide REAL tips, advice, and hope from someone who has known way too much sorrow herself. I ask for your duas and forgiveness, ameen!!!~Holly Garza

You’re NOT alone


That gentle breeze as it caresses your face-the warmth of a nice cool day and it’s sunshine as you think.

The impossible to swallow through knot-in-throat and elephant sitting on your chest sensation, and yet still you manage to stay afloat…

AlHamdulillah, alHamdulillah, AlHamdulillah….

Allah says:“Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods, lives and the fruits (of your toil) but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere. Those who, when misfortune strikes them, say: ‘Indeed we belong to Allah and to Him is our return. Those are the ones upon whom are blessings and mercy from their Lord and it is those who are rightly guided.” [Sûrah al-Baqarah: 155] 

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him)said: “No fatigue, illness, anxiety, sorrow, harm or sadness afflicts any Muslim, even to the extent of a thorn pricking him, without Allah wiping out his sins by it.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “When Allah desires good for someone, He tries him with hardships.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî] 

It IS entirely possible to have faith, to believe, to ‘pass’ this test by the Mercy of Allah and still feel sad.

I’m here, I can’t change, I can’t fix, I can’t tell you why… Only Allah has  the keys to the unseen. I can listen, I can care, I can understand through my own sorrow and tests a portion  of yours.

I can’t create miracles, I can’t know how that day will be if He allows us to be good enough to be reunited but somethings aren’t always as they seem…..surah Al-Imran 3:35-37…..typical example, well Not “typical” but a reminder of how Allah knows better then us and has a GREAT reward

The wife of Imran was like (to Allah) “I gave birth to a girl” (after promising what was in her womb for the service of Allah) and giving birth to Maryam (mary) mother of Isa(Jesus) little did she know MashaAllah heheheh imagine telling Allah what you gave birth to, when He The All-Mighty knew?! hehehehe

One of the lessons I took from this is some situations may not go as we planned or what we think is ideal, but in the end they are the best and what Allah has planned- Surah Yusef is full of tragedies that Allah had indeed had better outcomes coming from.

All I can say to you is this for certain, May Allah grant you peace, and I’m here to listen but when that’s not enough cry it out and pray, pray like no other day! Make dua, drop down on that carpet and give it all to Him- He the One who all can see and know and ask Him for His guidance, patience, and help.

O our Lord, pour out on us patience, and make us die as those who have submitted (to You). (A-RAAF: 126) Ameen!!!!!