**Written many moons ago…..
The problem with Grieving a murdered loved one
When you loose someone who is very closely related or close to you, it shatters you. It’s hard to function and even grieve properly. A piece of yourself is lost and your future is forever changed. Memories that brought a smile often times can bring on anger, unanswered questions, and just all around grieving spasms.
The age of the person, ESPECIALLY, if it’s your child, at the time of death does not lessen the hurt or devastation. It feels completely unnatural for a child to die before his or her parents. Even if Not your child, a sister, cousin, wife, etc. is also unanticipated, unforseen, and VERY painful.
It’s hard to grieve, even if everyone knows how or has a way of coping. Everyone suffers loss in different ways depending upon their personality, beliefs, culture, family history, and relationship with the person who died. It doesn’t mean that others care less if they mourn differently than you do. It doesn’t mean if they appear to be “better” one day, that they won’t cry or completely fall apart again.
The problem with grieving a murder are Not only what I have covered thus far, but also mixed added emotions.
Emotions like deep depression, rage, guilt, sadness, loss, a sense of failure, anger and many more. You cannot control them and it’s hard to keep them under control.
Here are some tips to help you get from moment to moment in your grief.
write, type, draw, or scrapbook IF you can find a moment or two.
Keep a journal or Diary. Long before I was such a computer fanatic and was deep in despair, sorrow and grief I bought 5 subject notebooks, and in these, is so, so much. From scribbles, rants, and cursing, to poems, drawing, thoughts and even Cursing people and their stupidity. (you can’t stick your foot in your mouth or hurt someone if they NEVER hear you) What I like about writing in this manner is, Paper will never reprimand, or judge you.
Take care of yourself. This includes simple things like getting enough sleep, crying when you must, showering, exercise, and good food and seeking help from a doctor if you are having trouble staying healthy. I know, I know…food, eat? who cares about food? But if you don’t grieve who is going to keep your loved ones memory alive as well as you..who is going to pursue charges if it’s a homicide, who will see it through?
You need to Embrace your emotions. It’s OK to be angry , blame yourself for the loss, or feel deep regret for unhappy times in the past. Try naming your feelings; tell yourself “I feel alone, or anxious (sad, angry, regretful),” and give yourself a few moments, minutes or even an hour or so to experience each one.
It’s very IMPORTANT to find others who understand. Join a grieving forum or two, a group, The compassionate Friends, Religious organizations if you have a faith lean into your faith or look for faith in a new or unexpected place. Also you can google a phrase or two about grieving and browse online. Also hospices, and health care organizations often sponsor grief and loss support groups. Your funeral director might be able to refer you to some groups, counseling or phone numbers of interest.
Also you can expect bad days. A lot of us seem to have a harder time on dates of birth, Anniversaries, date of death, etc. There is really no specific or even “good” way to deal with these days.
Explore faith. Some people don’t want anything, whatsoever to do with God or Religion. However, a Lot of people find the thought of hope the only thing to keep them going. Some people leave Religion all together, find a new one, become more devout, or leave it all together. Do what you FEEL comfortable with. Reading, prayer, community worship, and conversation with compassionate and thoughtful people helps at times.
Supporting people in times of grief is a a part of most religions and groups. Seek out a Pastor, Rabbi, Preacher, Sheik, Imam, or Minister.
If you’ve had little or no experience with grieving, you will most likely be caught off guard and totally unprepared to deal with it . You might wake up a feel like a crash or wieght in your chest. Your not knowing what to expect, you may be wondering whether your reactions are normal and dreading what might be coming next. All of these are normal, painful and all VERY real, draining, and shattering. Please use some of these tips and view my other blogs for more links to sites and useful information or you can click HERE to go directly to my Important links for grieving families page.
Sending you and you’r family my deepest condolences ~ Holly