sorrow, joy, past experiences, happiness, coping, grieving-HUMAN Life

We spend so much time trying to be happy. Humans. We do, we really do. Yes, we ALL have those funks that we stay in for a while; but in reality cynicism is exhausting. Being bitter, harsh, sad, angry, and cynical will eat you alive more than the actual debilitating pain that causes you to feel and be this way.

At some point we will either cope through goodness, great people, friendships, maturity, or religion. Sometimes all of them. Sometimes one of them. Whatever works for you. Then, once there, we will strive SO HARD to be that “Better me.” Some of it will burn us out. Some of it will push us forward ”todo pa’lante” and thrive. Some of us will become obsessed with this help, whatever it is pushing us forward, uplifting us; helping us in our sorrow. Many of us will fall somewhere in the middle with rises and dips in there.

I’m stuck currently in HUMAN. Human who happens to be woman, mom, Muslim, my past and all I’ve been through. Some days I’m a striving-to-improve Muslimah above everything else. Some days I barely get by, and a Hug from my child is all I can bare. Some days, some days even that is harder than I can take, harder than I can bare. Some days your legs over the side of the bed is the BIGGEST accomplishment you can envision yourself to take.

I’ve been very pensive lately. Life sure is a roller coaster ride. I reflect on the amazing qualities of the brain, at it’s amazing features all it can learn, take, how amazingly resilient and how terribly fragile it is. I think of depression, schizophrenia, Autism, Retts syndrome, Cancer, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and all the people whose minds and souls have been ravaged by life and who pretend to be ‘normal’ and get by.

Life is all over the place, like my thoughts.

I think of all the imperfect mistakes that shaped us. The experiences we never should have had which taught us. The dumb a** mistakes we make that can forever change our youth, you, our marriages, or our lives. We all have them. Some of us, wiser than others; have fewer mistakes or life learning errors. Some of us have many life experiences and learn the hard way.

Some of us have lost a pet, or a friend, some of us lost a family member– some of us have lost all of them, and a child or a parent. Some of us have lost all that and more, in a Hard way. Some of us have seen murder, cancer, war, psychosis, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, we’ve experienced a child fall asleep in our arms only to never wake up, a child dying in a fire, a sister murdered, a brother who couldn’t take it and ended it….some of us, some of us would have went through the feelings of that last one and somehow made it through. AlHamdulilah, AlHamdulilah through it all.

Reflecting on some things of my own, some things I’ve lived through, witnessed of my friends or of my family.

How hard can it be to be looked up to and admit you want to give up or mess up, or try something bad? I’m wondering how would someone admit that to another? How do you seek help before falling into that? Whatever that may be…

How does a family survive loosing their Captain? How does a mother cope with empty arms? How does a sister get through not being able to pick up the phone and call her sibling? How does a sinner return to their faith, their rope? How does a mother, hugging her child who is having a seizure stay in the moment with the heavy weight on her shoulders of just finding out she herself has a rare form of cancer out of nowhere and is already in a stage 2? How does a wife regain her husband’s love? How does a drug addict get over the urge to just slip one more time? How do we cope in this amazing, awful, happy, depressing, horrible, fun, disgusting, sick, hopeful world?

These are all rhetorical questions. I don’t really want answers. I’m just using my blog as a diary of sorts so to speak. I know how I cope, most days anyhow. AlHamdulilah for Islam, the internet and some confidants, companions, my musings and the internet. That’s mine, my safety net, my “happy pill” so to speak. Sometimes. Sometimes it’s just another thing that I “fail at”. Sometimes. Sometimes I’m just a shell. and sometimes that’s okay.

Shout out to all my shells. To my struggling to get by people. Shout out to the grieving, to the recovering, shout out to the muslims striving, Shout out to the hurt, the attacked, the defeated and then to those who have slacked and slipped up and relapsed. The ONLY way to go from the bottom is up. Rejoice, rejoice that you can be an example of starting over. No matter what it is. How hard it may be, how utterly life shattering it is or was you CAN be you. Be you in this awesome life. Be you. Relish those things that made you who you are and keep on keepin on.

Book covers, Abayas, skirts, and niqaabs-random thoughts

Have you ever picked up a book and it’s cover is plain, non inviting, mysterious or funky and it made you form an opinion of the plot of the book?

Just a random thought I had as I spoke with a dear friend, muslimah, mom, sister….

Our Islamic attire is JUST that. Attire.

My clothing, an abaya (long loose dress like covering muslim women wear, a skirt, a niqaab (face veil) Can NEVER tell you exciting, boring, interesting, diverse, opinionated or quiet I am.

Just like book covers can be misleading so can clothing. If you want to know Islam pick up a copy of the Noble Quran. If you want to know me get to know me, than asking or befriending is best and don’t not assume my life/opinions, likes, and thoughts based on my color of clothing or seemingly look of it.

Ramadaan, churros y Piñatas :)

 

 

 

Mexican, American and Muslim

Read post here–> http://www.multiculturalfamilia.com/2011/08/26/ramadan-con-pinatas-y-churros/#axzz23TJUvFVc

Weather and gratitude AlHamdulilah (just a “Personal” reflection)

As I sit here listening to some recordings…. I have many thoughts going through my head. The rain came hard and fast earlier and left flash floods and a 20 degree temperature drop Alhamdulillah. Now the night is still and quiet with silent lightening flashing every now and again and big fat clouds moving about overhead. Creation is so wonderful SubhanAllah.

I don’t know why it is I feel so at peace in weather that most people find annoying, disturbing, “not nice, or “blah.” I find it comforting. One could speculate that it has to do with gratitude, gratitude for the chance of making dua (prayers) gratitude for rain when so many suffer from drought right now. One could speculate many things.The truth is I’ve always loved this weather even before acknowledgement of gratitude or even before Islam. I still don’t know why I feel “at peace” in this weather. “They” used to say that some people aren’t content unless they’re in some sort of turmoil. This isn’t really me, I can be confrontational but I don’t enjoy living in disarray or confrontation. Therefore that can’t be it. Maybe it’s because ever since I was conceived possibly, I’ve known “storms?” Maybe it’s because it’s so easy to sleep and relax in this weather? Maybe it’s because I’ve loved the ultimate love and the ultimate loss??? The fast hard rains at times remind me of that fast hard cries…..*shakes off those thoughts * AlHamdulillah I’ve lost much, OH SO very much but I’ve also gained so much in this life.

I’ve gained peace through knowledge that there is better (in the full meaning, all the way around). I’ve gained Islam by Allah’s permission. I’ve gained a way to live, change, learn, grow, hope, pray, live and be. Even though I’m still relatively new (3 and a half years almost) to this I’ve learned So Much and I’m amazed at how little I actually know. I truly enjoy knowing God would NEVER punish a child for dying because of “original sin.” I take refuge in Allah’s words and His promises when the grief and sorrow starts to sting stronger. I look at the world around me and all I know, have been through and seen or know of and I know the Islamic legislation’s are sent down indeed for a reason.

I’ve been blessed with so many venues to learn from family, society, Sisterhood, websites, life, the net, my children, death, sorrow, love, loss, marriage, divorce, zakat, friendship, nikkah (Islamic marriage) and being married to a Practicing muslim man AlHamdulillah and in being a homeschooling Muslimah Latina American Mom. I never thought I’d see the day where I’d be grateful for some of those aforementioned words (experiences)
Those words could NEVER convey all the emotion, turmoils, joy, sorrow, pain, growing simply written or spoken (especially in English) The fact of the matter is unless we live through them and Allah blesses us with some understanding they could never be conveyed to anyone who hasn’t seen being a parent and loosing their child. Islam and belief could never FULLY  (at least to me, it could be different for others) appreciate, love and embrace Islaam. Even as I sit here and type I’m half smiling with a knot in my throat. may Allah protect and guide us all, may He the All Merciful fill our hearts with joy, HAMD, love, shukr, and peace. May He forgive us and guide us and may He heal our broken hearts and guide our loved ones ameen!!!

Chilaquiles, yum yum

Quick(well if you don’t add too much to it that is lol), filling Mexican recipe.

Chilaquiles, basically, is a Mexican dish of fried tortilla strips.

Simply tear or cut up tortillas into small triangular like pieces, put a bit of grease, cooking oil, etc in a pan, add the tortilla pieces to it to bronze.

It’s then topped with a spicy (a bit of chile) some tomato sauce and cheese is poured over the fried (bronzed) tortilla chips until they are smothered, you stir it until the tortilla chips are soft and then add an egg on top. You can also add rice and beans, or all three to it and Tada!! Filling, scrumptious meal.

Enjoy!!!

CRUZ ~ a Spanglish poem

CRUZ

 

Written and read by my friend Madeline Cruz

 

You throw a glance at me

Quickly interrogating and associating

You categorize who YOU think I am.

 

Brown, Muslim, Woman. And probably a lot of other things in between.

 

Pero cuando comienzo a hablar

And my accent isn’t harsh enough

All of a sudden the picture is cracked.

 

Y voz de donde sos?

I’m glad you asked.

I come from a people who were colonized.

Salvages necesitados  y requeriendo de salvar.

 

 

In my surname I carry the reminder.

And how or why you ask does all of this matter?

Por que sus ojos quedan fijos en mi

Tratando de desenvolver

Unwrap me and see what is beneath.

I do NOT apologize for what it is you see.

 

The violent acts of the colonizer

Did not only come to save in the name of Christianity

But erased all histories of what Spain used to be.

So, I am a physical reminder

Visual enticer

That I will not follow

Simply to not be bothered.

 

I am done apologizing for my brown skin.

And I am done glorifying the colonizing hand.

 

Do not try to tell me my religion and where I am from –clash.

Could it be because before a man named Columbus could land

Moorish Spain had to collapse?

If you don’t know your history

I’d advise you look back instead of living up to a standard

In which you are only considered a bystander.

 

Don’t be taken aback by my words and manner

When you come from a people who

Are most usually silenced

Brown, Muslim, Woman

 

When we speak out this is the only way we know how to.

 

So, yes CRUZ—meaning Cross in Spanish

Clearly reminds me of where and with whom my ancestry lies

And Yes, the way I wrap my hair reminds me amongst many other things

That I am not who you want me to be.

I am not who you expect me to be

And I have unlocked

Histories forgotten.

 

So, in your glance

Do you see?

A Brown, Muslim Woman on her way to liberty?

Steadily peeling off the skins

Who would have ever thought?

That this is what Islam could’ve done.

My Mexican homemade tortillas

Flour Tortillas (Mexican style ..)

Ingredients~
3/4 pound (2-3/4 cups ) all purpose flour, plus a little extra for rolling the tortillas
3/4 teaspoon salt
5 tablespoons vegetable shortening,
about 3/4 cup hot tap water

How to make–rub vegetable shortening into the flour using your fingers to knead it. Put the salt in the water mix around a bit so it will dissolve into the water.
Mix the water into the flour little by little until you form a stiff-like dough. make sure there is hardly any “Powdery” parts left, as in try to mix it all together. add some flour to your counter top/table or hard/sturdy work station, add the dough on top of the flour surface and kneed it for about 10-15 minutes until it is elastic feeling and looking.

Break the dough up into smaller pieces that look like round “balls” about slightly smaller than a tennis ball. Make sure to cover them up in a bowl with a cloth over it or some sort of cover so that it doesn’t dry up on you while you are making each individual tortilla. After all the dough has been rolled up into balls by you cover it all up and let it sit for about 20-25 minutes.
 After dough balls have sat for a while remove one at a time to work on. You will remove a ball  and put it on the floured surface than you will need to use a “rolling-pin” available where Mexican stores or pizza shopping sections are located). Spread it out evenly and VERY thinly while making sure to keep the “tortillas” look…ie…a evenly round shape

Start heating up your “Comal” this is like a pancake griddle or something let it get really hot–you can now add the tortillas-no more than 2 at a time so they will fit and not burn, make sure you set the heat down to medium. Cook the tortillas on each side for about 40-60 seconds to 1. The tortilla will start to have ‘brown spots or hot air pockets **Caution those are VERY hot and the steam CAN burn you!**

Take your tortillas out and place them in a tortillera (Tortilla warmer or a very clean kitchen cloth to keep up the tortillas heat and softness…eat with your favorite meal or simply add butter for nice warm memories of your childhood or simply for a great taste…ENJOY!~Holly